


Something Beautiful

by marklovlee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Coming Out, First Kiss, Homophobia, Homophobic Slurs, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Original Character(s), chensung - Freeform, its just minor characters though, mentioned minor character death, religion themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 18:53:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16101698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marklovlee/pseuds/marklovlee
Summary: Growing up, Chenle was an isolated child. Raised in a hyper-religious home, being gay was not even a thought in his mind. That is, until Chenle met Jisung. From that moment on, his heart was swayed and it became harder to accept his feelings for fear of eternal damnation.





	1. Chapter 1

“In the Lord's name we pray, amen.” Chenle’s father finished up his lengthy pre-dinner prayer. The young boy eagerly opens his eyes and digs into to his warm meal, carefully pulling apart his meat with utensils. 

“Chenle, how many times do I have to tell you? Elbows. Down. Now.” His mother glares at him.  
“I’m sorry mom.” Chenle slides his elbows off of the smooth wooden surface. He knew to be more careful. Mother was always strict on table manners. 

His father is talking about his sermon from earlier in the day, pride seeping from his pores as he recounts his carefully selected bible verses and the lesson they taught. Heavy discussion of the bible was a Sunday evening routine in the Zhong household; the man of the house always being giddy in wake of his successful service. 

Chenle was excited to share his opinions on the Bible, especially with his father, whom Chenle had deemed the greatest man in the world at a young age. His father could do no wrong in his eyes, and because of that Chenle dedicated his time to making his father proud. This included studying the bible intensely, which Chenle did on a daily basis. The teen thrived off of the prideful look his father beared when speaking of Chenle or looking in his direction. 

Dinner finishes at a slow pace, religious words and verses lingering between the father and son. Chenle and his mother hastily clear the table of the empty plates, moving them to the sink. 

Chenle loved the quiet bonding between him and his mother that occured in these moments every night. The sweet smiles and sideways glances between each other as the dishes clacked against one another, soap and water covering their arms up to their elbows. This time together was almost sacred. 

Later that evening, Chenle cracked open his Bible and began his daily reading, another sacred routine of the evening. He read intently, his young mind absorbing the words; his mind and morals were completely shaped around the ideas expressed within the Holy Book. Never once had he thought any different than to believe all that was written inside. Never once did he think he would fall victim to unforgivable sin.

He would soon prove himself wrong.

…

Chenle never attended public school. His parents didn't want him to be exposed to the influences of public education, nor did they want him or his behavior to be swayed by the students he would find himself surrounded by. Ultimately, Chenle had always been homeschooled. 

In result to this secluded education, the young boy didn't have much experience with kids, especially not ones of his own age. Sure he had babysat some of the babies from church, but aside from toddlers everyone else that attended his father's sermons were adults.

He wondered what kids his age were like. What did they do for fun? Did they read the Bible like he did when he was bored? He was desperate for interaction. His curiosity drove him to one day ask his parents to let him walk alone to the convenience store within walking distance of their home. He knew this was a popular place among his age group, but he was never allowed to go by himself. 

“Are you sure you don't want one of us to come with you angel?” Chenle’s heart softened at the nickname; his mother had called him this for as long as he could remember. She called him angel often but he never tired of hearing it. 

“No thank you mom, I want to go by myself.” he responded back softly. He knew this was hard for her.

With a hesitant glance back to the boys father, she observed his stern nod. He was agreeing to let him go. 

“He’s old enough honey.”, was all he had to say about it. 

His father's approval sent a smile shooting across his face. Excitement coursed through his veins; he could hear his heartbeat in his ears as he scaled the stairs to his room. He grabbed the a couple of dollars from his stash of saved cash and dashed to the front door. 

“Bye mom, bye dad. I love you!” 

He was out the door before he could hear their response.

…

As Chenle made his way to into town he tried to keep a calm pace, but his body wasn't in tune with his intentions, because he ends up half walking half skipping into town. His excitement was too big for his body and it was evident by his pace. 

Finally he arrived at the store, swinging open the glass door and taking a step into the cool building. He had been here a billion times, but suddenly, here all by himself, everything about the store felt different. The lights seemed brighter, the smell of gas seemed stronger, the colors on the different packs of assorted foods and sweets seemed more vibrant.

Eyes wide, the young boy made his way up and down the aisles. He was taking in each of the products, trying to decide what would be the best thing to buy with the money he brought. 

“I’ve never seen you around here before.” A deep voice made its way to Chenle’s ear from behind his back. Curiously, Chenle turned around to discover the owner of the new voice. 

Behind him stood a tall, lanky boy. His hair was bleached and brushed over his forehead, coming as low as his eyes. His eyes, dark and heavy, appeared glazed over as he looked at Chenle. He seemed to be evaluating the new boy, sizing him up, and the look sent a chill down Chenle’s spine. 

Awestruck, Chenle squeaked out, “My name is Chenle”. When the tall boy continued to do nothing but stare at him, Chenle quickly added, “This is my first time here by myself”. 

This new fact made the slim boys eyes light up. “By yourself? Who do you usually come with?” 

“Wait a second! You know my name, now tell me yours.” Chenle pointed a finger towards the taller’s chest, his wary attitude towards the stranger dissipating as his voice gains an almost playful tone, no matter how authorative his words were. 

A smile crept onto the newcomers face. “Jisung. My name is Jisung.” Chenle let the name linger in his ears. Jisung; it was a pretty name.

“Well Jisung, I usually come here with my mom and dad. They finally said I was old enough to come by myself.” Pride was laced in every word; he was so excited to finally be out on his own.

“Finally? Exactly how old are you?” The whites of Jisung’s eyes expanded, confusion darting around his eyes.

“I’m sixteen!” Chenle held dignity in his tone, proud of his title as a teenager.

His ego collapsed when Jisung began to scoff. His mocking giggles filled the space between them, entering Chenle’s ears and filling him with a dreadful feeling.

“You’re sixteen? And this is the first time your parents are letting you come to the store by yourself?” 

Chenle’s chest deflated, his pride injured by Jisung’s mocking tone. He was ready to go home. 

“Yeah.” Chenle said faintly, turning on his heel and grabbing a pack of candy, not too particular on which one he grabbed. He started towards the register. 

He was already several feet ahead when he heard the protest from Jisung.

“No, no, no, no wait Chenle.” He was still giggling, distorting his words, but something about hearing him say Chenle made the shorter boy stop in his tracks. He turned around and saw the laughter in his eyes, a small smile on his lips, his hair disheveled from running his hands through it. 

In that moment, he felt something indescribable.

“Are there any other places in town you wanna go to? I could show you around.” That same smug smile was etched onto his face like he had when Chenle first saw him. 

Chenle was flustered. He felt blood rushing to his face. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears and a panicked feeling came over him. He needed to be alone.

“N-not right now, I really need to get home. Thank you for the offer though.” Chenle could hear his voice crack. 

“Then maybe tomorrow? Are you free?” 

“I-” Chenle hesitated. Did he really want to meet this boy again? “I can be here tomorrow. At noon. Is that okay?” 

Jisung’s smile exposed a little bit of teeth. Chenle really needed to get out of here, he felt his chest would exploded.

“That works for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: [https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838](url)


	2. Chapter 2

When Chenle arrived back home, his parents interrogated him about his trip, to which he gave minimal answers to. He still felt disoriented, but it must not have been too apparent from the outside, because it did not deter his family from their questions.

Eventually, he was told to go wash up for dinner. He was thankful for the break; human interaction just seemed too overbearing at the moment.

During dinner, Chenle tried a bit harder to be more involved with his parents. He knew they would soon pick up on his odd behavior and he didn't want them to keep him from going back out again tomorrow.

When there seemed to be a lull in the conversation, Chenle piped up his request. "Tomorrow do you think I could go back out again?" While this question was directed towards his parents, he stared down at his plate, nervous of their reaction. When their silence lasted longer than he had anticipated, he finally glanced up. He was greeted with two looks of confusion, even borderline concern.

"Please?" Chenle tried to soften his face, working into his parents weak spots. And that’s all it seemed to take because his mother's face easily fell.

She turned towards her husband, her hand finding his. "I think that would be okay, don't you honey?"

His father's authoritative look diluted at the sight of his wife's delicate expression.

"Yes, I think that would be alright."

Chenle's heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. They said yes, they were going to let him go back out.

He was going to get to see Jisung again.

...

That night, for the first time in years, Chenle didn't read from his Bible. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't force himself to focus. His mind raced with expectations for tomorrow afternoon. His imagination was going crazy, coming up with fabricated scenarios into the late hours of the evening.

As he laid in bed, eyes closed and sheets pulled up to his chin, he asked himself rhetorical questions about the mysterious boy he would be meeting tomorrow. Does he also read the Bible? Where does he go to school? Surely he went to a public school. Or maybe he is homeschool like myself. How does he spend his days? Is he often at that store? Questions like these filled his head and would not allow him to rest.

...

The next morning, Chenle woke up in a cloud of excitement. In only a few short hours, he would be exploring the town with someone his age.

Everything that morning seemed to go by quickly. Breakfast was a blur, a haze of eggs and milk while making small talk with his folks. Dishes were done in less than ten minutes, something that had never been done before by the young boy. Chenle's lessons for the day went by in a flash, as he knew most of the information anyways.

By 11:30 he was sitting by the door, waiting for an appropriate time to tell his parents he was leaving. His eagerness must have superficial, because eventually his mom walked into the foyer, a soft smile on her face.

"Angel, if you are ready to go, then you can leave. I promise we aren't going to stop you." Adoration laced her words. To see Chenle so happy was something she strived for everyday, until the point that she too was content.

With those words from his mother, Chenle gave her a hug. With his arms wrapped around her thin waist, he expressed his gratitude with a quick thank you, and out the door he ran.

...

By the way Chenle walked down the street, you could never tell that he was running on only four hours of sleep and was nervous as hell. He walked quickly, his swift steps carrying him to the local store where he said he would meet Jisung. As the building came into sight, Chenle's uneasiness from the day before slowly started to return.

As he stood in front of the double doors, he began wringing his hands. Would he look to eager showing up so early? It was still only 11:50, a whole ten minutes early. Would Jisung tease him about it? His pulse quickened as he stood their, anxiety replacing the excitement that he had been feeling all morning.

"Hey, you came early." Jisung exited the store building, letting the glass door slam behind him. Chenle jumped at the sound, his tension forcing his body to react.

"Uhm, yeah, yeah I came early. You were already here too?"

"Yeah, I've been here since about 11:30. I always like to show up early to important meetings." Even with the teasing tone Jisung had in his voice, Chenle could feel his body start to relax. He wasn't the only one who wanted to show up early.

"We should get going, there is a lot to see around here." Half of Jisungs lips curled upwards, presenting a smirk across his face. Chenle doubted the amount of stuff to see in their small town. Only one major road ran through the city and their population was only slightly over 2,000.

The size restriction on the town didn't seem to deter Jisung any. The tall boy began walking down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets.

"Are you coming?" He called over his shoulder. Chenle realized he was still in the same position as when Jisung exited the shop, hands folded over one another. Hesitantly, he began to move forward, until he finally came into step with Jisung.

"What did you mean by there is a lot to see around here? Our town is so small; I feel like I could turn in a circle and see the whole thing."

"Maybe you can see everything, but you can't see anything."

"That- that was vague. Explain."

"Its like people Chenle. I can look at look at someone and say I've seen them. But there is so much more than just what I can see. Each person has something about them, something inside of them, that makes them special, right? Well, so does this little town of ours."

Chenle starred at Jisung, adoration filling his chest. Jisung spoke so wisely for someone still in their teen years. Much beyond what Chenle thought he could articulate on the spot like that.

"I'm excited to get to learn this town from you, Jisung. Where are we going first?" As these words came out of Chenle's mouth, he felt his walls fall. He was disengaging his defenses. At that time, he decided that he was going to trust Jisung, because so far, he has proven himself just as smart as Chenle's father.

"The first place I have to take you is a little outside of town. Is that alright?"

At this point, all Chenle could do was nod.

He was going to trust Jisung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Sorry that this was a lot of filler but I promise it'll get juicy soon :D
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: [https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838](url)


	3. Chapter 3

After walking for approximately 30 minutes, Chenle was starting to regret his decision to trust Jisung. 

"Jisung, do you think we will get there soon? We left town ages ago." Worry tinged Chenle's words as they made their way up a long dirt path.

"Just a few more minutes. I promise we are almost there." Jisung's eyes were focused forward.

Finally, the trees that had been surrounding them become sparse and open into a clearing. A beautiful field at the top of the mountain they had just hiked. At one end of the meadow was magnificent patch of flowers.

"Those are forget-me-nots.", Jisung stated. The slender boy began in the direction of the flowers. Right behind him, Chenle followed. 

"Forget-me-nots? I've heard of them but I don't think I've ever seen them before. Especially not wild, like this."

Once they approached the flowers, Chenle immediately squatted down, running the petals in between his fingers, feeling the soft surface.

They were absolutely beautiful.

After staring at the flower he had cupped in his hand for what felt like a decade, Chenle felt light pressure on the left side of his head, right around his ear. When he looked up he was met with Jisung's concentrated face. Jisung was touching Chenle's ear.

Despite the newness of their relationship, the interaction was not awkward. Jisung's fingers twitched across Chenle's ear until a satisfied smile made it way across his face. His hand retreated, finding its way back to its owners knee.

"There you go. It looks really pretty there." Jisung's eyes looked warmly into Chenles.

Chenle brought his own hand up to his left ear, feeling the new appendage Jisung had placed there. As he felt the soft surface of a petal it dawned on him; Jisung had placed a forget-me-not behind his ear.

As the corners of Chenles lips rose into a smile, so did the blood to his face. A warm blush covered his cheeks.

"Hey, don't you think you need one too?" As Chenle said this, his hand was already on the ground, pulling up a delicate flower. He leaned forward onto his knees, carefully placing the flower into the breast pocket of Jisung's jean jacket.

Though at least two layers of clothes lay between Chenle and Jisung's skin, the contact Chenle's fingers made with Jisungs chest burned. He felt his heart rate quicken. He felt like was close to exploding. Did Jisung get this same feeling when he had touched Chenle earlier?

Whatever feeling it was right now that he was feeling, he knew he had to repress it. He couldn't let the same feelings that overtook him at the store the day before overtake him again.

For a while they just stared at each other, faces flush and knees in the dirt.

Finally Jisung turned his head so that we was facing the opposite side of the clearing. At the end of the meadow was an open cliff. As Jisung stared into the air, he took in a deep breath.

"Want to see what made me bring you out here?" He said this still staring at the cliff.

"Of course. Show me."

Jisung pushed himself off the ground, extending his hand towards Chenle once he was up. Chenle graciously accepted his help. Even when both of them were standing, their hands remained in contact.

"Come on. You'll really like this!" Jisung's voice took on such a childlike tone that Chenle had never heard him use before. It was obvious how excited he was to show this to Chenle.

Hand-in-hand, they made their way towards the cliff at the end of the pasture. With each step closer, more and more of the amazing view revealed itself.

Finally at the edge of the precipice, the entire scene was unveiled. Almost directly below them was their small town, looking even smaller with the distance. But the town wasn't the amazing part of the view. It was everything beyond the town. The miles of meadows and farm-land covered the land, reaching until the mountain range on the horizon. Tall trees and small rural homes filled in the empty spaces. It was breathtaking.

Compared to the nature surrounding it, their town seemed so drab.

"What do you think?"

"It's- it's beautiful. I never knew there was so much outside of the city." Chenles eyes never left the scenery. His eyes slowly glazed over the mountain range, back down to the fields where he could just barely see a family of deer making their way from one side to the other. He soon also spotted the quiet pond far to the east.

"Yeah. Yeah it is."

If Chenle hadn't been so focused on the landscape then he surely would have noticed that Jisung never even looked over the scene. His eyes never left Chenle.

...

They sat there for a long time, most of the time having their legs dangling over the edge, swinging in sync as they told each other about themselves.

"So your dad used to bring you up here all the time?"

"Yeah, we came up here at least once a week. Usually more. He wanted me to see more of the world than what was just in our town. But we didn't exactly have the money to do any actual, you know, traveling. So we adopted this as our vacation spot."

"Does he still bring you up here?"

Jisung sat quiet for a long second.

"My dad died a few years back."

"Oh." A few more seconds of silence passed. "Im so sorry, Jisung."

Quickly, the boy shrugged, pushing himself off the ground.

"It's okay."

Chenle stared up at the boy, taking in the details that the early evening light brought to attention. He swallowed hard. Was it okay to think a boy was beautiful?

"We better go. Your parents will think you've run away if we don't get you home soon." A lighthearted smile played at his lips.

Together, they made their way down the trail that brought them to their haven.

...

When Chenle arrived back home, he felt he was walking on air. Cloud nine really swept him away when he was with Jisung.

He walked into the kitchen where his mother waited for him, smile plastered on her face. She really liked seeing Chenle so happy.

"Hey angel, how was you trip out? Did you see a lot of town?"

"More than I ever could have imagined, Mom."

Her hand came up to cup Chenle's cheek. He gently leaned his face into her palm, feeling her warmth. Her fingers found their way towards his ear, extracting the forget-me-not that had been left there.

"A forget-me-not? Where did you find this angel?" She twirled the flower gently in-between her index finger and thumb.

"There was a patch of them nearby, and I thought they were pretty."

"You know what they mean, don't you?" Chenle shook his head no. His mother smiled down at the small plant. "They symbolized true love. They are often given to people as a way to say 'I hope you never forget the memories we have together.' We had a few in my bouquet when me and your father got married." His mother carefully extended her arm, meeting Chenle's hand in the middle to place it in his open palm.

Chenle felt his heartbeat quicken. The places where the flower touched his skin burned like they were on fire. In his head, he thought 'I will never forget you, Jisung.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Sorry that this was a lot of filler but I promise it'll get juicy soon :D
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838


	4. Chapter 4

Everyday after that day, Chenle and Jisung met at noon to explore new places together.

They spent one afternoon exploring all of the small shops in their town. There were so many stores Chenle had never been in before. His family only really ever shopped at the general store owned by one of the members of his father's church. Sometimes, when he was just with his mom, she took him to the ominous gas station that was up the road from their house. The one where Chenle met Jisung.

They walked into their fifth store of the day. As they walked in, Jisung said his fifth 'Hello, sir'.

“Wow, you seem to know everybody, Jisung.” Chenle gave a shy wave to the shop employee as they walked past him. 

“I just might.” Jisung glanced down at Chenle, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. 

Over their days together, Chenle had picked up a habit of holding onto Jisung’s arm when they walked. So as they made their way through the tiny general store owned and operated by Mr. Kwon, Chenle held onto Jisung’s arm, like he has been doing for a couple of weeks now. They browsed the aisles, taking in all of the different knick-knacks on the shelves.

“Are they your friends?” The older boy played around with one of the dusty snowglobes. Jisung looked down at him curiously. “The people you say hi to everywhere. Are they all your friends?”

Jisung’s eyes got smaller as he squinted at the shorter boy. “Maybe. Not really. I don’t know.” Chenle stayed quiet after he answered. He didn’t want to confuse Jisung. He noticed that Jisung was confused by a lot of the stuff that Chenle said, especially when he brought up things about religion or from the Bible.

“We’ve seen all the stores in town now, what do you think of them all?” Jisung was excited to change the subject. 

“I thought they were great. A lot more than I thought there was. My dad only really takes me and my mom to the general store close to my house.” Jisung nodded in understanding. “I really liked the flower shop. It was beautiful in there, looking at all the plants. And the woman who ran it was really sweet!”

“Ms. Lee. Yeah, she’s a sweetheart. She gives me flowers every year for my father’s grave.” Eyes misty, Jisung rubbed his eyes with his free hand. Looking down at Chenle, a soft smile on his face, he said, “We should get you home shouldn’t we. It’s starting to get late.” Chenle looked up into his eyes, a smile spreading across his face. “Yeah, I guess so.”

The two start heading towards the door. As the past the front counter, Jisung gives a small wave to the man standing behind it. From around Jisung’s shoulder, Chenle also gave a tiny wave and smile.

“Hey, Jisung.” The tall turned around, his hand next to Chenles on the bar to push open the door. “That’s Pastor Zhong’s son right?” Jisung slowly nods. “Maybe you shouldn’t let him hang on your arm like that. Don’t want people to get the wrong idea.” 

There was a long pause between Jisung and the burly man behind the counter.

“Noted.” Jisung tightens his grip on Chenle before pushing the door open and exiting.

For a few blocks they walked in silence before Jisung said anything. “That man back there. He’s not my friend.”

The rest of the way to Chenle’s house was walked in silence.

...

As the days went by, Chenle’s feelings towards Jisung confused him more and more. His usual routine of reading his Bible was often put off by confusing thoughts of his friend. Each day their friendship progressed and they became closer. Touchier. More personal. Chenle often lay late in bed thinking about Jisung and his stories. About the promises that they make each other when they are together. 

The young boy was surprised by how quickly their relationship had escalated. In only a matter of two weeks they had grown infinitely closer. When they were out together in the town, their arms were intertwined. they held hands down the streets and laughed together. When they were in private, in the woods, at the clearing, or in the backroom of the flower shop, they laid around together, heads on chests, talking for hours with their foreheads together.

At night, Chenle dreamed about Jisung's lips. The thought of kissing him filled his head at all times of the day. It distracted him from his school assignments, from his nightly reading. Even during his fathers sermons, Chenle sat in the pews and thought about holding Jisung. 

As his relationship with the younger boy grew more with each meeting, so did the dreadful feeling that stored itself in Chenle’s chest. All his life he was told by the bible, by his father, and by his peers that he was going to meet a girl and fall in love. He had once asked about what would happen if he fell in love with a boy.

“Well, son…”, Chenle’s father kneeled down to his beloved sons eye level. Sitting on his knees infront of his short child, he said, “If you fall in love with another little boy, you are going to go to Hell. Loving someone that is the same gender as you is against the natural way of things. God could never forgive that.” Father Zhong’s eyes pierced Chenle’s.

The teenager hadn’t thought about that moment in a long time. Only since his feelings towards Jisung became more than just friendly did that quote from his father start to circulate his mind late at night, keeping him from sleep. The thought of disappointing his father, of disappointing God, made his stomach turn. But so did the thought of leaving Jisung. 

Chenle had never been in love before. From what knowledge about love he collected from the novels he read, the young couples at the church, or even from his own parents, he knew that this was love. When he wasn’t with Jisung, he wished he was. He wanted to touch him at all times, to be in contact with him, even if it still made his skin burn. Jisung was the most effortlessly beautiful person that Chenle had ever laid eyes on. Their personalities clicked so well together. Everything seemed so exciting when they were together. 

But as soon as Chenle stepped back into his home, the hole in his chest returned, and he felt ten times heavier. Guilt was starting to overtake him. Guilt from lying to his parents, from lying to God, for loving a boy, for wanting to kiss that boy, for giving up on reading his Bible at night because each word that he read made him feel sick.

If he didn’t do something soon, he was sure that the hollowness in his chest was going to eat him alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Sorry that this was a lot of filler but I promise it'll get juicy soon :D
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838


	5. Chapter 5

After that day at the store, Chenle and Jisung spent almost all of their time together in more secluded areas. They didn’t want to risk someone in town telling Chenle’s dad about him and Jisung. Chenle wasn’t ashamed of his relationship with Jisung, but he knew that nothing good would come from their advanced friendship being public. Jisung knew this too, and he did everything he could to keep their secret safe. 

Most of their days were spent in the meadow, surrounded by forget-me-nots. However, some days were rainy or the boys were simply too tired to make the journey to their little oasis. On these days they spent their time in the back room of Ms. Lee’s flower shop. She was the only one that knew about their relationship, and she was very accepting. 

“There’s nothing wrong with your feelings.” This is what she told them when they first came to her with their situation. “And Chenle, I promise Pastor Zhong won’t hear a word out of me.” She gave a reassuring wink towards the shy boy.

She treated them like her own children, offering them food and drinks. She even provided them privacy when they asked. Chenle grew very attached to her. Some days he and Jisung would help around the store, they would water the flowers, re-pot plants. Once, they even helped make a flower arrangement for a young, local couple with an upcoming wedding.

While they were working on the boquet, Jisung said something that made Chenle’s heart feel like it would pop out of his chest. “I hope I get to make one of these for you one day.” Jisung never looked away from the work in front of him, like he had just made the most causal statement in the world. “Maybe it can be made out of forget-me-nots. I think that would be really pretty.” From that point on, Chenle could only think about was marrying Jisung for the rest of the day. How handsome he would look in a suit, his hair combed and maybe some makeup to make his lips seem plumper, his eyes seem sharper. The thought of viewing this Jisung, the well-groomed Jisung of his daydreams, over a row of forget-me-nots, tightly stuffed in a bouquet, made Chenle’s heart race and his hands sweat.

The boy’s thoughts were interrupted by the entrance of Ms. Lee. “Are you boys almost done?” 

“Yes, ma’am.”, Jisung spoke excitedly, a giddy tone to his voice giving him the same child-like feeling that Chenle got from him that first day they visited the meadow together. 

That was something the Chenle had come to love about Jisung. In town the tall boy put on a hard exterior, similar to the one he used the day he and Chenle met. But often when they were alone, Jisung’s facade fades, and Jisung that behaves more like a kid. Chenle loved seeing this side of Jisung. It made him feel special to see this hidden side of the boy known in town for his mysterious personality.

“You’re cute, you know that.” Chenle said as Jisung picked up the bouquet to carry out into the front of the shop. Jisung turned around, his arms wrapped around the flowers, his blonde bangs falling in front of his eyes. The smile on his face exposed his teeth and made his cheeks puff up. 

Chenle swore he had never seen anything as beautiful as Jisung in that moment.

“Almost as cute as you, my angel.” With that, Jisung took his exit into the front room.

 

Jisung had picked up calling Chenle angel, similar to the way Mrs. Zhong called her son. In both cases, it made his chest feel light and his heart flutter. But when that 5-lettered word came from Jisung, it felt different. Chenle couldn't explain it, words paled in comparison to what the young boy was actually feeling.

…

The pair spent one rainy Monday morning in the back room of the flower shop. Business was slow and Ms. Lee had stepped out to run some errands. The two boys sat hip to hip on the tile floor. Chenle came to rest his head on Jisung’s shoulder when the question entered his mind.  
“Jisung..” The younger boy hummed in response. “Do you believe in God?” it had dawned on Chenle that he had never once thought about Jisung’s beliefs. It was easy for Chenle to completely forget about religion when he was with Jisung, with today being Monday, he still had his fathers sermon from the previous morning swirling through his head. 

Of course Jisung knew that Chenle did believe in God, and that knowledge caused that boy to stiffen up in anxiety. 

In a quick response to Jisung’s rigid reaction, Chenle grabbed the blond boy’s hand, interlocking their fingers, and gently began rubbing his thumb over the backside of Jisung’s hand. “If you don’t, that’s okay Jisung. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me.”

Chenle had heard about atheists. He had never met one before. All of the information he learned about that was from the church community, and, to put it nicely, they were not very nice in their word choices when they spoke about non-believers.

Jisung’s body softened. His face became flushed from embarrassment, and his grip on Chenle’s hand tightened. “No Chenle, I don’t believe in God.”

The fact that there were people that didn’t believe in a higher power didn’t really bother Chenle, but he felt that he could never understand it. “Is there a reason why?” Chenle figured this was his opportunity to try and figure out why.

“For the same reason you do believe in God.” Chenle waited for an explanation. Jisung continued to stare at their interlocked fingers. “My dad, he was a atheist. It’s how I was raised. Just like how your father, the pastor, raised you to be a Christian. Does that make sense?”

It’s like everything was clicking in Chenle’s brain. He understood. Chenle had expected a long, tragic backstory as Jisung’s reason for not believing, but what he was met with was the simple truth. 

“Yeah! Yeah I completely understand.”

“You don’t think differently of me, do you?” Hints of worry were present in Jisung’s question.

“Absolutely not.” Chenle took Jisung’s large hand and flattened it out on his thigh. He began tracing the lines of Jisung’s bones throughout his hand, making a circle every time he came to a joint. This was a habit that Chenle had come to develop. He did it whenever he felt that Jisung might be nervous or worried. It always seemed to calm him down. “No matter what you believe in, that could never change my opinion on you.” 

‘Because I love you.’ Chenle wanted to say it so badly. The words were on the tip of his tongue, they almost slipped out. But at the last second his brain commanded his mouth closed and willed his sentence to be finished.

As they sat in silence, Chenle couldn’t help but think about all of the nasty things his father and other Christians had said about atheists. He felt pressure in his chest. Something about those memories made him feel nauseous. Would his father think of Jisung that way? 

Everything in Chenle wanted to say no, his father was a reasonable man, but in his heart he knew that his father would judge Jisung immediately. And that thought terrified him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Sorry that this was a lot of filler but I promise it'll get juicy soon :D
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838


	6. Chapter 6

“Where do you find your meaning in life, Chenle?”

The two boys laid in the grass under a tree in the meadow they emotionally claimed as theirs. They laid together, arms linked, legs intertwined. By now Chenle was used to Jisung’s philosophical questions like these. He could usually answer them with a little thought, and it often lead to nice discussions between the two. 

For some reason though, this particular question got under Chenle’s skin. He stared at Jisung’s hand, the one the encased his own smaller hand inside of it. Was it God that gave his life meaning? Maybe making his father proud was his meaning? Maybe his meaning in life was to see Jisung? 

The taller boy stared at the older boys face, his features soft and rigid with thought. After a minute or two of silence, Jisung spoke up. “This is a toughie, huh?” Jisung let a small smile find its way onto his face. 

“Yeah, I’m not sure if I know the answer.” Chenle’s eyebrows knit together with thought.

“Do you have an ideas?” The brunette boy nodded slowly. “What are they?”

“One of them is my service to God. Or maybe it’s just to make my father proud?” Chenle’s heart starts beating hard thinking about his last reason. For a few seconds he thinks hard about whether he should say it or not. “I think it’s possible that spending time with you is one too.” His eyes never looked up at Jisung; he was scared of what reaction he would get. 

He was surprised to hear a laugh come from Jisung. Forgetting his outrageous heartbeat, Chenle snaps his head to face the boy next to him, pushing him with his free hand. “Don’t laugh at me! Im sensitive.” He brought a playful out to his face, making Jisung laugh harder.

“I’m not-” Jisung burst into a fit of snickers before he could finish his sentence after looking at Chenle’s face again. “I’m not making fun of you, bub. I’m laughing because I’m nervous.”

“Why are you nervous?” Chenle felt his hands start to sweat. He had not even considered that the beautiful boy sitting next to him also had a heartbeat of 1,000 beats per minute. 

Jisung let an exasperated chuckle escape. He looked Chenle in the eye. “Why do you think?”

It was a simple question, and Chenle thought he knew the answer, but he found it hard to believe. Jisung liked him? The same way that he likes Jisung? How long has he felt like this? Does he lay awake with the same guilty-pleasure thoughts that haunt Chenle every night before he goes to bed? Has he been hinting-...

Chenle’s thoughts were halted by the feeling of Jisungs lips on his.

His heart felt like it was going to explode at any second. As they sat there, faces together, neither sure of what to do, Chenle felt a flood of panic make its way into his bloodstream. By the time Jisung had pulled back into his sitting position, Chenle was already shaking.

“You looked like you were thinking too hard. I thought that might help you relax.” Jisung had never been more wrong in his life.

Almost as soon as those words left Jisungs mouth, Chenle pushed himself from the ground. “I’m sorry, I have to go now.” His voice was strained and high. 

“Wait, Chenle, did I do something wrong?” The older boy couldn’t speak anymore. He wasn’t even sure what his feeling were at the moment. Leaving Jisung with no answer, Chenle made his way down the path by himself, his vision blurred with brimming tears.

No matter how much Chenle wanted to turn around and run back to the blonde haired boy that sat under the tree alone now, he knew he wouldn’t be able to. He couldn’t face Jisung right now. Everything in him felt like it was on fire, and it hurt. His feelings jumbled together and contradicted each other. His body was a bundle of raw nerves and tears. 

Even as he walked down the hill, knowing that he would regret leaving Jisung there alone, all Chenle could think about was what punishment God had in store for him. Now that he could no longer deny his attraction to another boy, he feared his own damnation.

…

In his disoriented journey back to town, Chenle found his way to his father’s church. It was a Saturday afternoon, so he knew no one would be there. The skin on his face where his tears were beginning to dry felt tight, almost as tight as his heart. His eyes burned and every few steps he had to bring his hand up to rub the sting out. 

Closing the door behind him, he started to make his way through the center isle. He had walked this path countless Sundays, carrying a tiny candle to light the ones on either side of his father. All of those trips down this same corridor felt like a dream. Like they weren’t real. The only thing that felt real now was the sadness in Chenle’s heart.

Chenle made his way towards the front of the chapel where a small prayer bench sat. He stood in front of the wooden structure, gently placing his hands on the rough surfaces. Positioning his knees on the padded kneeler, the distraught boy bowed his head and clasped his clammy hands together. He needed to speak with God.

Gently, the young boy began to pray aloud. “Dear lord, please be gracious on my soul, for I am caught up in a great sin. Jisung... I love him; I know it’s unnatural but I love him. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I know that these feelings are sinful, but to try and fight them hurts. Is this the way I should be feeling? Lord, please lead me in the right direction. Give me a sign that my feelings are forgiven.”

The empty church offered no comfort as silence rang loud in Chenle’s ears.

Defeated by the quiet, Chenle opened his eyes. “Amen.” 

Carefully planting his feet on the ground, the boy began to notice how light headed he felt. It made sense, now that he had calmed down. The only thing he had eaten today was breakfast with his parents before he run off to meet Jisung in the field. At the meadow they sat in the heat for a couple of hours before the incident that made Chenle run off crying. He figured it only natural that his body be this tired after the events of the day. 

Chenle makes his way towards one of the old pews, the aging wood creaking under him as he sits. Forward he stares, his eyes fixed on the stained glass present behind the preacher’s pulpit. Early evening lights pours into the room, different colors and shapes cast across the church floor as the rays are sliced by the seperations in the glass art. 

Sitting there, hands in his lap, Chenle felt his emotions start to well up as his mind filled itself with thoughts of Jisung. How had he reacted to Chenle’s sudden disappearance? Was he okay? Would he still be in the field? Chenle wasn’t even sure if he could handle seeing Jisung right now, yet everything in his body told him to go back to the field and look for the blonde boy he was in love with.

Just as tears of frustration started to brim Chenle’s eyes, he heard the heavy wooden door creak open. Surprised, he whipped his head around, eyes enlarged. Father Zhong entered the church, letting the heavy door close hard behind him. ‘There goes my chance to go back for Jisung.’, Chenle thought. Even from the moderate distance that separate the two, Chenle could see the confusion paint over his father’s face as he saw his son sitting in what should have been an empty church. 

“Chenle, what are you doing here?”, the middle aged man took hasty steps towards his son when he didn’t answer immediately. As he approached Chenle’s pew, he saw the obvious sorrow on the boys face. “What’s wrong son?” His confused expression melted into one of concern. Before Chenle was able to answer, Mr. Zhong was already sliding in next to his son. The older made eye contact, causing Chenle’s brain to scramble for an excuse to his random appearance in the church. 

“I needed to be with God. I needed advice.” Chenle’s voice was strained and wired, his nerves apparent in his speech, no matter how hard he tried to cover up his emotions.

“If it’s something you need God for then I understand, but you do know you can talk to me or your mother at any time right Chenle?” Mr. Zhong plopped one of his large hands on Chenle’s shoulders. Chenle was sure it was meant to be a comforting gesture but all it did was make the boy feel ten times heavier than he already did. Finally, Chenle nodded back in response to his father, untrusting of his voice and his mind in what information they might leak about his current situation.

A large smile found its way onto Mr. Zhong’s face, like nothing of the past few minutes had happened at all. “Since you are here, how about helping your old man set up for church in the morning?” The request made the dots in Chenle’s head connect. That’s why his dad was here, to set up for Sunday morning service. While he really would have rather went home, or better yet, back to the meadow that he was sure would be empty by now, Chenle nodded his head. Maybe prepping the church would help take his mind off of the beautiful boy he hurt only an hour or two earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Sorry that this was a lot of filler but I promise it'll get juicy soon :D
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838


	7. Chapter 7

That night Chenle couldn't even bring himself to close his eyes and attempt to sleep. With every blink he took the image of Jisung's hurt face burned itself into his eyelids. All the guilt and pent-up emotions that had built up in his chest throughout the day were rising to the surface and his skin felt that it was on fire. Sweat covered his forehead and quickly he sat up, adrenaline pumping through his veins. 

"Okay, Chenle, think about this rationally." He took a tress of hair in between his fingers, pulling lightly. The pressure on that area of his scalp worked as an escape route for the excess heat in his body, helping to cool him down. 

Chenle’s mind wandered back to the day at the flower shop, when Jisung brought up his fantasy of getting married. His thoughts settled into this happy memory, using it as a barricade between himself and all of the bad thoughts that had swirled into his head throughout the day. 

At that moment in time, there was nothing more that Chenle wanted than to marry Jisung.

He stopped himself, remembering all the time his family had talked about him having a wife one day and having a kid or two of his own. The last thing Chenle ever wanted was to disappoint his parents. He closed his eyes and tried his best to imagine a life with a wife. He imagined what it would be like to kiss her, the absolute most beautiful women he could think of. To lay in a meadow with her like he and Jisung have been doing for the past couple of months. It felt hollow. The thought of living with some woman, having kids and growing old with her felt so empty. 

When he decided he had had enough of thinking of that future, he switched his thoughts to Jisung again. He thought of marrying Jisung, kissing him over and over again, living with him with a possible child in the mix. Chenle’s heart began to beat wildly.

It struck him almost painfully what this meant. Reality set in and for the first time since Chenle and Jisung’s complicated relationship began Chenle finally could admit it.

‘I’m gay.’ The words swirled in his head for a bit, he tried to let them settle in; get used to the feeling of them. ‘I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay.’ The words formed a string in his mind. At first the thought was like a shot. It made his skin crawl. But as he repeated it, that thought became easier to handle. The sweat stopped rolling off of his skin. He opened his eyes and realized there were tears rimming his waterline. 

“I’m gay...” Finally the words came out of his mouth, even if barely above a whisper. Tears rolled down his cheeks. His eyes burned. “...and I’m in love with Jisung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Sorry this chapter is so short but I think it's important!
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838


	8. Chapter 8

Sunday being the jam packed day that it is, with church service from early morning until noon, and then gatherings between family and friends, followed by Sunday dinner, it was impossible for Chenle to sneak away and find Jisung. 

Pastor Zhong’s sermon this particular morning was almost too ironic. He stressed the importance of marriage. Specifically between a man and a woman. He preached that homosexuality was a sin; an immediate ticket to hell. At some point Chenle stopped listening. 

All day Chenle was fidgety. He checked his watch what seemed to be every few seconds and it was common that he was tapping his foot. This impatience was uncommon for him, and his parents took notice to his odd behavior.

“Chenle, angel.” The nickname stung sent a pang through Chenle’s chest. “Is something wrong? You have been acting very odd today.” His mother’s eyes were kind, they fit well on her soft face. It was the kind of face that made him want to say everything that was on his mind. Chenle knew better though. 

“No mom, everything is fine.” His short response did not ease her concerned look, but she was understanding enough to cut her questions off there. From across the table a loud scoff was heard. The sound had come from Chenle’s father. 

“Nothing is fine, Chenle. Do you want to know what I heard from Mr. Kwon last night at the general store?” 

Chenle’s blood ran cold when he heard the question. Immediately he knew what his father’s next words would be. His poor mother, with a confused look on her face, she asked her husband, “Honey, what are you talking about? What did you hear?”

“I heard that our son has been seen around town with Mr. Park’s son; you remember him. That faggot that died a few years ago.” 

Hearing that, Chenle stood up from his seat. “Yeah and what about it?” His voice was loud, not quite yelling, but forceful. He wanted to make sure that his dad knew he was upset. 

“Well, I just want to make sure he isn’t leading you down the wrong path, Chenle.” His father’s words were piercing, as were his eyes, the ones that seemed to be staring straight into Chenle’s soul. 

“And what would that path be?” The young boy’s vice shook with anger.

Almost immediately, his father’s fist banged on the dinner table. The sound seemed to echo in Chenle’s brain. The dreaded question followed, “Are you gay, Chenle? Has that boy influenced you to sin?” 

Chenle found it impossible to speak; impossible to breathe. This was the exact situation that he had wanted to avoid, even though he knew that, for all these weeks, this encounter would be inevitable. 

“Honey what are you saying of course no-” Mrs. Zhong’s weak defense for her son was interrupted when Chenle bolted for the door, slamming it behind him. With that loud crash, Chenle left his parents sitting in a cloud of burden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate you taking your time to read something I've put a lot of time and thought in to.
> 
> Please be patient for more updates and let me know your thoughts!
> 
> Also one of my best friends, Christa, is writing a fic with a similar idea. If you would like to check it out here is the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689406/chapters/36455838


End file.
